Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Life of Star

At the age of 24 I had things. A lot of things including a beautiful home and a new convertible Benz. I was married to my high school sweet heart and we had two little boys. I ran a successful insurance company fresh out business school. We took vacations, and bought what we wanted. We had achieved the American Dream. And yet there it was, the truth, I hated my life.

I came from very little except a wealth of deep of wisdom in my mother, that sprang forth despite her circumstances, leaving me with the seeds that would ultimately bloom later. My father had taught me how to live in “reality.” He kept telling me reality was going to slap me across the face one day so I listened to his well intentioned advice to avoid this but in the end he was right. An enchanted little girls dreams shattered when I realized she had been told lies. That having things and money meant happiness. That living with someone that doesn’t make your heart sing everyday was duty because “you're married.”

I had always believed that if I could do it so could everyone else. I believed if you worked hard enough you could have what you want and need just like most people still do. I sat in judgment of those who couldn’t seem to get it together as I compared them to me.

But somewhere inside me was a deep unhappiness. Constantly stressed about work, falling behind on bills or losing all that I had attained. My reputation and image possibly tarnished by falling into bad credit or a lack of enough credit to cover up this insecurity. I was dying inside. Wanting only to be loved, to be appreciated and surrounded by goodness, it seemed instead I never really felt any of that. Not by others and definitely not by myself.

I knew there had to be something more. I had no relationship with a higher power. Only half-admitted that there might be one and calling it God wasn’t going to work for me. Somehow, although unconscious at the time, I was asking for more truth. In a moment of despair I asked questions that changed everything. What was this really all about for me? Why was I born? Because like Oprah, at a very early age I knew I was born to do great things.

It was only years later that I understood that God was gracious enough to come into my life at that moment showing me what was needed and what wasn't so I could be whole. You can be sure that the things went away and so did the car. The so-called friends and caring relatives also had to go, a few in one day. Then the husband in a fit of his own unhappiness, freed us from our cage. We were separated a month later and the spiritual journey back to myself was begun.

I was set on fire. My world was turned upside down. Everything I thought I knew was becoming more and more unclear. God removed all that didn't belong to me so I could sit with that which is. It took me several years to see this for the amazing gift it was. I first believed I had failed. I had done something seriously wrong even though I was beginning to feel a lot better, despite the chaos.

I have had to make huge sacrifices on levels that most would never consider in order to find my salvation, mostly because I was too stubborn to let go of the past willingly. Despite this I am redirected and perfectly guided at every turn. Protected and provided with everything I actually needed to live and I learned that this was in fact very little. I need only a backpack of things as many things weigh you down and cause worry. A car had kept me in constant isolation whereas the bus and the train allowed me to meet wonderful new friends and spend more quality time with my children. I learned that not everyone is like me and can’t do things in the way I do them. That because of this we all must have separate paths to walk and how boring it is when we all attempt to walk the same one. I learned that happiness breeds happiness and it started within me. Loving myself was the basis for all good living. That vulnerability wasn’t in fact a weakness but an opportunity to grow and sustain greatness. 

I had to basically unlearn all that had been taught. Like a phoenix I had to burn into nothingness in order for me to begin to rise again in an authentic way. A way that comes from my heart and not the predetermined order of society.  A way that inspires and uplifts the masses to love and gives permission to others to find their own truth. I am still a work in progress and the journey still continues but I walk slower with faith that I am loved more than I could possibly imagine and that gives me great strength to continue.