This day has been full of opportunities to be more vulnerable. Quite unintentionally, schedule wise and yet so very intentional and profound. Surrendering to Shakti's flow, I have find myself in a most unknown and yet safely held place. Total freedom to explore more deeply into my own being as I step closer and closer into nothingness. Like giving birth, to myself. So today, I did a nude photo shoot outside on a hilltop, did my first live facebook video, and took a vocal tuning lesson all before driving my son to his 4:00 drum lesson.
Being vulnerable in person isn't really an issue for me. Most people would say I am an open book and probably overshare in some cases. However, allowing myself to be seen on video, heard on recording, or exposed in some other light, brought on great fear. It seemed after awhile to be an unwanted experience but I knew deep down it was my way. When attempting to use my voice to perform, or confront someone, a noticeable shaky voice, a dry mouth, raising heart rate, could always be noticed, especially when singing. To the point that I would tell my theater directors when I was little that it felt like I was being choked out by a scarf, and they had to mike the girl with the loudest mouth when I sang my solo because no one could hear me.
These vivid moments from my childhood stand out because even then I knew something was off and it was very confusing and it caused me to back away from the things I loved doing because I didn't think I was good enough. Fast forward to about 4 years ago when a shaman removed a snake from around my neck. She knew nothing of these childhood stories. I knew then that I had a powerful voice and that I had been stifled from using it.
In stepping into my own power, it means being vulnerable. Allowing myself to be seen, to be heard to be felt and being willing to take whatever comes from it. Taking this risk has been a long time coming. I had stored emotions in my body that blocked my authentic sound from emerging from me. It seemed I was always blocked somehow. I used this as an excuse that I wasn't any good and ought to leave it for better singers. But I love singing.
So I have kept pursuing it, in the shower, in the car or in my bedroom but never singing publicly or without inhibitions. It's been years since I took a lesson, only did so because I wanted to have a clearer speaking voice. Showing up in the teachers space, I could feel all the anxiety bubbling up in my solar plexus. I allowed the tears to fall immediately as I met with her and told her about my past experiences, my fears, the energetic blocks, the remaining vulnerable soul that would love to be able to use her voice for good.
She immediately clued into a con caving in my ribs near my heart that had received a lot of energetic rolfing in the past. She could feel there is still some pulling and recognized my block almost immediately. As soon as I paid attention to it, opening up my ribs to make more space for the sound. Energy began moving out of it with loud rumbles similar to being hungry every time I expanded my ribs in a new way. I could feel the stored energy escaping. Realizing where I had been holding back, holding it in, was empowering. I know through the next few weeks and I continue the classes, enjoy some sound healing and bodywork, I will free myself from the tyranny of theses old, probably ancient, energies of fear around using my voice.
In freeing my voice, I give permission to others to do the same. It's time to let go of all limiting beliefs, stories, ideas, and stored emotions in the body so we can open up to and make room for the things we love. Being vulnerable is where it's at. We only have one life. Why not take it on with everything you have and live a life with meaning and substance? One that offers a freedom from conditioned ways that no longer resonate. In being vulnerable, in facing our fears, in stepping out of comfort and into discomfort, we make way for something new, something we have never had before. Take a day to do a bunch of stuff that makes you uncomfortable, that you've never tried and see where it takes you, what you discover, and what you can create anew from this space.
Here's to being courageous and more vulnerable every day!
Namaste
www.unleashingher.com
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