Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Sun in Sagittarius

I was born in the house of Sagittarius. Today, I am celebrating my birthday. I always have felt awkward about my birthday. Seemingly needing it to be special somehow and yet never really making a big deal about it. In the last few years though, my birthday has become my "New Years." The day I reflect back on my previous year and set new intentions to fulfill in the next one. A day to take inventory of where I have been and where I am going. I get to remind myself of my accomplishments, celebrate them, myself and also the new commitments that I make for the coming year.

Centaurs are creatures of philosophy, learning and discovery and this last year it was all about discovering what I really love and who I get to be. It was the first time I stepped into my role as a leader and facilitator of the work I love. I failed, I stumbled, I was embarrassed, and I was victorious, but ultimately I learned more about what I want, why I want it and truly embodied this wisdom. I spent a lot of time with it. I took time out form 'normal life' and held it, played with it, cried with it, and deeply fell in love with it. I connected to my inner child, listened to her, and invited her in to help me see what was possible for our life through her eyes. I'm so proud of Her!

I have know I was a sovereign being for some time but haven't really acted like it. But this was the year I got to take my first steps as Her. I got to witness my bullshit and my gifts. I got to see how strong and powerful I am and how much that has scared me. I got to face off with my fears about what it means to use my voice. I spoke up and stood up for myself. I got to know what it feels like to be heard and see how I still have work to do when I'm not.

I have been able to live out truths that were only ideas before. See how resilient I am in the face of heartbreak. Cycles of long past came ripping through, triggering me in ways I couldn't have imagined and brought me exactly what I needed to see through to my deepest wound. To acknowledge my fears of abandonment, betrayal, and how I had manifested those type of situations to show me this pain body. And when I got to hold Her for the first time, and cry with her, and thank Her for helping me to heal, I knew soon after that I was free. Like really free. So free that I spent a month in bed, depressed, sad and confused by the newfound empty space.

I trusted I would be filled back up with love, with what I had been desiring. I waited patiently. Took my time integrating. I sobbed every day, deeply grieving the loss of something I had had held onto for too long. It only took a few weeks but suddenly the clouds parted, the sun began to shine in a new way. I had been dismembered and put back together. I don't recognize the woman I was at the beginning of the year. She is a distant memory of someone I use to know but could barely relate to.

The Scorpio season we went through this year was rebirth. The phoenix rose. The wings were felt, flapped against the wind, exhilarated by their potential, and from pure exuberance for life, they continued flapping and it wasn't until I looked down that I saw before me that I had indeed taken flight. Like I had done so many times before in my dreams. Suddenly the life I imagined, the joy I knew existed, the love I vibrated as was all that was. Bliss cascading through my veins and out through every pore, for no fucking reason. A sincere devotion to my life appeared. A deep desire to show up more for myself and others. To become more visible. No more hiding.

This sense that I had somehow broken through or set something down, or left something behind has been overwhelming. A faint memory, a palpable experience that remains in my fascia of an identity that I can't seem to fully recall. It seems we have done great work. We are watching patriarchy, it's systems and leaders falling. We are watching new young leaders emerge who have a different set of  ideals than their parents. We are witnessing and experiencing a true revolution right before us. I know this is true for us collectively because it has been true for me personally and I know all change comes from within.

To grow and expand is the mission of a Sagittarius so I write with great gratitude in my heart for the efforts I made, the growth that transpired and the healing that has occurred. And quite frankly, thank Goddess we made it!  That we somehow forged ahead. That was rough! I've never been more grateful to leave a season behind.

I write with a new sense of whats possible for me in my own personal new year. I write knowing what a real life bad-ass I am and fuck up I can be. However, I do write from a space that allows me to be more vulnerable and forthcoming moving forward.

Because it is safe now.

The climate more tolerable for a formidable force to arise in woman form. In sharing the stories of my defeats, my heartbreak and my own heroines journey of self-discovery, I will remind at least one person of their 'why.' for showing up on planet earth now, remind someone of their truth and need to share it. To activate people to show up for humanity and the living being we live upon. This is why I will share what I have to say and tell my stories.

It is safe for me now to be seen.

I dedicate my new year to the Goddess, to Ma. May Her Queendom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven. To true love, my lover and our divine union. To my expansion, my stories, my art and my voice as a channel for the feminine. To my soul family and physical family, strengthening all of my relations. I dedicate my being to Love, to Truth, to music and to justice. 2018...I'm coming for you!!

Blessings for taking this journey with me! I love you!

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